Rites of Passage--Part I
Jan. 11th, 2010 04:52 amAuthor Notes: The span of this story covers Facets. At some point in the story, you may notice that someone mentions meeting another by 2500. As Bajor is on a 26 hour cycle, the station, too, follows that schedule. The previous story, “Freefall”, is pretty much a must for full context of everything going on here. Reading back further in the series would be helpful but not essential.
Summary: Julian agrees to help Dax in a Trill ritual that allows hosts further integration with their symbionts, but something goes amiss when it's Odo's turn to host Curzon. Garak courts danger while pursuing his course of revenge. Will doctor and tailor learn from the mistakes of the past and plot a healthier course for the future, or will their stubbornness doom them to a future without the other to share it?
Author: Dark Sinestra
Date Written: January 2010
Category: Slash, Het, Angst
Rating: PG-13 for mild adult language and situations and some implied sexual intimacy.
Disclaimer: The men and women of DS9 are not mine, and none of them were harmed in the writing of this story. I still haven't figured out a way to get them to make me money, either, and I've been told by at least one Ferengi that it's a losing proposition. I should probably listen. They know their way around the law and contracts.
Word Count: 11,429
Julian
Personal Quarters
Julian felt sluggish getting started on his day, having spent way too much time at Quark's the night before waiting for Leeta to get off work. He wasn't completely sure that he'd define what they were doing as dating, but he had to admit that he enjoyed spending time with her. She was easygoing, pleasant, and uncomplicated, something he needed after his roller coaster ride with Garak. He still found himself feeling twinges of longing for the man's company, as he did this morning while replicating his tea. They had always had tea and rokassa juice together in the mornings.
As he sipped from his mug, he sighed. His plans for re-establishing their lunch dates had never manifested. He was still angry that Garak seemed to have bought into the rumor that he started dating Leeta before they broke things off without ever once approaching him or asking him about it. Also, the Cardassian seemed to be spending more than a little time with Nurse Decla, with absolutely no regard for how horribly awkward that was for him. The woman had small, subtle ways of digging at him, nothing that he could reprimand her for or even easily pin down and ask her not to do without coming across to the other staff members as an unreasonable ass. All of that combined with the polarizing effect of the breakup had made the prospect of having lunch together anything but appetizing.
He finished his tea and zipped his uniform the rest of the way up then stepped out into the corridor, almost tripping over a box sitting in front of his doorway. “What the?!” As he caught himself, he turned back to have a look at it. Before he opened the lid, he already knew what it was. Garak had returned his things. His chest clenched unexpectedly. He didn't have time to deal with this right now, any of it. Angry, and hurt beneath the anger, he hauled the box into his quarters and left it on his dining table to deal with later.
On his way to work, he thought about it, the tailor outside his quarters some time between late last night and early this morning, just depositing the box there as though it were so much junk. He didn't even think to consider that anyone at all could have come along and stolen it? It's not that he had ever left anything of value in Garak's quarters, but it was the principle of the matter. It would have been that much harder to chime the door? He would have settled for a simple, “I've brought your things.” It was insult piled on top of injury.
Most of his staff gave him wide berth when they saw his expression, everyone of course, except Decla. That one wouldn't be intimidated by a charging wild targ, he thought. “Good morning, Doctor Bashir,” she said pleasantly. “Another late night?”
He frowned slightly. “How did you know?”
She offered him a bland smile worthy of Garak and gestured around her own eyes to demonstrate. “You're looking a little dark and droopy,” she said. “This schedule of yours isn't very good for you. Have you thought about changing your work shift to accommodate your new social life? I'm sure we can juggle the personnel.”
He noticed a couple of other staff members listening without trying to look as though they were. “Your concern is touching,” he said in a tone of voice that implied anything but that, “but that won't be necessary. I'm more than capable of performing my duties. Being a little tired now and then is a small price to pay for pleasant company.”
“Isn't that the truth!” she agreed. “Why, just the other night...” she paused and shook her head. “Never mind.”
He refused to take the bait. “All right,” he said, smiling tightly and heading toward his office. He wished that he had a nice old fashioned door that he could slam. A pneumatic whoosh just didn't convey the same level of pique.
Mid-morning, he recalled that he had an important meeting in the wardroom, something having to do with Dax. She had refused to say what when he asked the night before. He was surprised to hear that Leeta had been asked, as well. He was glad that she and Dax seemed to get along well. It made socializing so much more pleasant than when he had been with Garak.
He shoved that thought away, not wanting to poison his mood further. Stepping from his office, he told Decla she had the infirmary until he returned and left before she could question him how long he'd be gone. He had no idea with Dax being so secretive.
He ran into Odo on the way, the two exchanging some meaningless pleasantries. The security chief still treated him somewhat coolly. As tempted as he had been a few times to tell Odo exactly what had gone wrong between him and Garak, he knew that he wouldn't. It would be petty and pointless, and anyway, what kind of friend had Odo been if he was so quick to choose sides without all the facts?
He said his hellos in the wardroom, puzzled at Quark's presence among the more expected senior staff, and hurried to take a seat next to Leeta. “What's going on?” he leaned in, whispering to her.
“I have no idea,” she said, eyes wide.
His lips twitched. “Has anyone told you that you're a horrible liar?”
Dax and Sisko turned away from a private conversation they were having off to the side, and Leeta elbowed him gently. “Hush,” she said, looking straight ahead so she wouldn't laugh. “You're about to find out.”
Dax thanked them for coming and informed them all of her desire for them to participate in her zhian'tara, a rite whereby she would get to meet each of her previous hosts using each of them to embody the various consciousnesses. He found the entire concept fascinating and Leeta's knowledge of it impressive. He readily agreed, glancing around the table as others followed suit. He was a little surprised at how quickly Miles and Kira agreed, not at all surprised that Quark was a hard sell. He was also extremely touched that Dax included him. It meant a lot to know that she trusted him that much and felt that close.
As the meeting ended, he squeezed Leeta's arm, leaned in and kissed her cheek, then hurried to catch up to Miles. “I was wondering if you wanted to play a couple of rounds of darts later this evening,” he said.
“Think you can tear yourself away from Leeta?” the engineer teased him.
“Ha ha,” he said dryly. “You know I stay out of her way when she works.”
“Out of her way, yes, out of the bar, no,” Miles laughed. “Sure, we can do that. I've got to go now, though. I'm going to be testing Nog for his acceptance into the Academy Prep Program.”
“How do you think he'll do?” he asked, falling into step with him to walk with him until their paths diverged.
“Well, that remains to be seen,” Miles said with a shrug. “If he's serious about it, I think he might do OK. I don't know the boy that well.”
Julian nodded. “You think this ritual is going to be interesting?”
“That's one way o' puttin' it,” he said, eyes widening slightly. He clapped Julian on the shoulder when they reached a juncture. “See you after work.”
Garak
Replimat Café
Garak watched Rom fidget and settle himself with his tray, believing he looked more anxious than usual. As always, he approached the problem obliquely, for asking Rom direct questions tended to make him more nervous, not less. “I saw your brother and Leeta heading out of the bar a little over an hour ago,” he said conversationally.
“Yes,” Rom nodded, frowning. “Supposedly, Lieutenant Dax summoned them for something. I have no idea what. Neither of them would tell me.”
“Lieutenant Dax, you say?” he asked.
Rom nodded. “All Brother would say is that it was very important.”
Garak considered that unlikely, at least as far as his own priorities lay. “Really, Rom, how important can it be if she's summoning civilians? Hardly a matter of station security, hmm?”
That seemed to make him feel some better. He smiled a bit and took a bite of tube grub. “What if it's a party?” he asked suddenly. “I bet it's a party. I'm sure I'll be expected to work.”
“If that were the case, I'd think Leeta would be expected to work, too, wouldn't you?” he asked.
“True,” he said. He chewed thoughtfully and swallowed. “Why aren't you having lunch with Nurse Decla today?” he asked.
“You know I don't have lunch with Lisane every day,” he said with a faint smile. “She's a busy woman.”
The Ferengi pushed his food around on his plate. “Can I say something to you without making you mad?” he asked hesitantly.
“I don't know,” the tailor said with a hint of mischief. “Can you?”
Rom snorted softly, gaining confidence from the mild tease. “She's not very nice, Garak,” he said.
Garak's smile widened. “No, she isn't,” he agreed. “Neither am I, so it's a decent fit, wouldn't you say?”
Rom shook his head. “You're civil. She only pretends to be. At first, I thought I understood it. You said you...” he dropped his voice and leaned closer, “you wanted to hurt Doctor Bashir. Well, believe me, you did. You didn't see him the night he came into the bar and saw you two at the dabo wheel. But...it has been a while now. You've made your point. If you keep staying with her, you're not hurting the doctor. You're hurting yourself.”
He felt a small surge of affection for the waiter. He didn't have many friends, but the ones he had were true ones. “In all the time you've known me, have you ever doubted that I know what I'm doing?” he asked, taking a neat bite of his sem'hal stew.
“Not until now,” he answered with naked honesty.
Garak had to cover his mouth to prevent spitting his food in his laughter. He reached across the table and lightly squeezed Rom's upper arm. “You're entirely too kind to me,” he said, his laughter winding down again. “Trust me when I say that I am in full possession of my faculties. I'm not thinking from the groin. I am well aware of what Lisane is and is not, and I have my reasons for continuing to see her.”
Although he still looked somewhat dubious, this seemed to reassure him. “If you say so,” he said. He glanced to the side. “Uh oh, Doctor Bashir at three o'clock,” he muttered.
Amusement flashed in Garak's eyes. He had seen the man well before Rom did. “Thank you, Rom,” he said graciously.
“I think he's coming this way,” he added resentfully.
Garak studied him. This wasn't the first time he had seen what he would consider disproportionate hostility toward the doctor from his friend. He knew that Rom believed that Julian had mistreated him in the circumstances of the break up, but he didn't believe that Rom's affection for him was so strong that it would spark such deep anger. No, there was more to it, but what? He decided he could bide his time. Such things had a way of revealing themselves in their own time. The man was right. Julian was approaching. He set his utensil down politely and waited. Rom hunched his shoulders and took a particularly vicious bite of his food.
“Can I talk to you?” Julian said abruptly.
Garak glanced at Rom and made a decision. “As you can see,” he said pleasantly, “I'm having lunch with a friend. Come by the shop later, or catch me after work, and I'll be happy to speak with you.”
He thought for a moment the man would argue with him, but Julian glanced at Rom, too, and must not have liked what he saw in the deep set eyes. He nodded tightly, turned on the ball of his foot, and walked away toward the infirmary.
“I wonder what that was all about,” Rom said, craning his neck to watch him go.
He was fairly certain that he knew. “I have no idea,” he said, spreading his hands. “You know how humans can be, incredibly moody.”
The Ferengi nodded, snorting a laugh. “That's the truth. It's one reason they make such terrible tongo players.”
As he resumed eating, he recalled something. “Nog's testing started today, didn't it?”
He never needed encouragement to talk about his son. Nodding enthusiastically, he said, “Yes! He has been studying and practicing so hard. I've never seen him so focused on anything. Brother thinks it's a waste of his time, but I couldn't be more proud. I only wish that I had thought to do something like that when I was younger.”
“It's never too late to improve one's lot,” Garak said encouragingly. “When will you know if he has gotten into the program?”
“The testing lasts at least a couple of days. I don't know how long it takes them to process the results, but the program starts in early summer, uh, Terran summer, which is coming up pretty soon, and lasts six weeks,” he said. “He has never been away from me before for that long.” He sounded a little forlorn.
He didn't show it, but the obvious concern Rom felt for his son left an ache in his chest. Had his father ever felt anything even close to such regard? He didn't believe so, but it didn't stop him from missing him any less. “The time will pass before you know it,” he said. “And when he returns, the two of you will have many new things to talk about. I'm sure he'll want to tell you all about Earth.”
“That's true,” he said, brightening at the prospect, then just as quickly turning downcast. Garak reflected that humans weren't the only moody species he knew, but he held his tongue. “Except I won't have anything new to tell him.”
“You never know,” he said. “It's not a long time span, but much can happen in six weeks.” Too much, he thought, feeling his own mood take a down turn. That was enough of that. “Do you recall telling me that you would teach me to play tongo?”
“Yes,” Rom said, nodding eagerly.
“How about in exchange, I teach you kotra?” he proposed. The light hearted conversation was back on track, and neither of them seemed to take another turn for the worse for the rest of their lunch together.
Julian
Garak's Clothiers
Julian couldn't believe how much stock Garak had built since the destruction of the shop. Had it really been that long since he had set foot inside? It must have. No matter how efficient his ex was, he wasn't a miracle worker. He stepped forward toward the counter, aware of the tailor's eyes upon him. “Leaving my things out in the corridor?” he asked, hating the bitter note in his question.
“I was up early this morning for inventory,” he said with a light shrug. “I realized that I still had quite a bit of your clothing and thought you might like it back. Petty theft is hardly a problem in the H-rings, and I didn't want to awaken you for something so trivial.”
“Trivial?” he asked, incredulous.
“Yes,” Garak answered with a nod. “While I appreciate clothing more than many, it's still just clothing.”
He opened his mouth to argue with him and thought better of it. No doubt the Cardassian would feel contempt for what he'd call sentiment if he tried to explain that such gestures held weight and finality that were painful. “Would you like for me to gather your things and leave them outside your quarters?” he asked instead.
“Whatever is least troubling for you. If it would be easier for you to leave them here at the shop at your convenience, that would be fine, too,” he said.
“Then why didn't you just leave mine at the infirmary?” he asked. “My quarters are hardly on the way for you when it comes to work.”
“I was trying to be considerate,” the tailor said patiently. “I didn't think you wanted your personal business displayed so obviously at your place of work.”
“Yet you have no problem whatsoever dating my head nurse,” he said before he could stop himself. Damn it, he thought.
“I'm not sure I'd call it dating,” he said, tilting his head as he considered. “That's an odd term, anyway. There's no real correspondence to it in Cardassian culture. Besides, how exactly is my association with Lisane related to your personal business?”
Perhaps he should have at least tried to talk to Garak before now. As a result of keeping his resentment and confusion bottled, he now found it bubbling up and out at this inopportune time and in a far from ideal way. “I don't understand how you can bear to be in the same room with her after what she did to you, to us. Do you hate me so much now that you'd do anything to make me miserable?”
Garak's smile curved a sardonic line. “My dear Doctor,” he said, “I was always aware that you thought rather much of yourself at times, but this is really beyond the pale. You actually believe that I have spent time with Lisane all this time in some misbegotten attempt to upset you? To what end?”
He tried to read him, what was really going on behind that slightly malicious expression, but he was no better at it than he had been when they were together. When Garak didn't want to be read, there was no breaking his facade. “I don't know what to believe,” he said, frustrated. “You told me you wished to remain friends, and yet I haven't heard a word from you, unless you count that box I almost tripped over this morning, which I don't.”
“I told you that I would be there as much or as little for you as you wanted,” he reminded him. “My dear, you are the one who asked to end the relationship. You said you needed time to think. What kind of friend would I be to you if I immediately pressed my company upon you after such a request?”
That took a lot of the force out of his outrage. He blinked. Was it possible that all of his resentment and hurt was self-created, that if he had just bothered to approach the man, he could have spared himself at least some of his pain? “So you don't hate me?” he asked.
“What an odd notion,” Garak said, seemingly genuinely baffled. “Why would you think that I hate you?”
“Well, the rumors,” he said uncomfortably, “that I started seeing Leeta before I broke it off with you.”
“Rumors?” he asked with a puzzled look.
Julian stared hard at him. It was no use. If Garak wanted him to believe that he didn't know or if Garak genuinely hadn't known, the result would be exactly the same. He might never know the truth of it. “Yes,” he said crossly. “Just for the record, I don't believe for one instant that you hadn't heard and didn't believe it. It's not true. I would never do that to you, and I would never use someone else as an excuse to end our relationship. We both know why it ended.”
Garak nodded, looking a little tired all of a sudden. “Was there anything else you wanted, then? If not, I should get back to work. I'm still trying to rebuild my stock, and fashion across the quadrant has changed somewhat since I had a full show room.”
“I'd like to start having lunch again,” he said hesitantly.
“Only if you promise not to make an issue of my seeing Lisane. Who I see and what I do with my time is my own business,” he said. “I don't owe you or anyone else explanations.”
“You're right. You don't,” he said. He didn't have to like it to accept it. “So...you're OK with talking again?”
“Of course I am,” he said, smiling pleasantly. “Indeed, I hoped that eventually you would want to resume our lunches. I've missed them.”
He nodded and forced a smile of his own. “Good. I mean...I'm glad that we're talking again. I should be getting back to work now. I'll bring your things to you here in the morning.”
“Thank you,” he said, inclining his head. “That's very thoughtful of you.”
He left the shop with jumbled emotions. How was it that Garak had managed to defuse his anger so easily without ever giving anything of himself away? It was as though he had fallen right back into that same pattern all over again, the one that had twice led to their parting of ways. He didn't know if the flaw lay in him, Garak, or some toxic combination of the two of them, and he secretly worried that he wasn't strong enough for a friendship with the tailor. His desires too easily ran away with him whenever they were in proximity for any length of time. How did one unlearn passion?
He completed his work day, unwound over a few games of darts with Miles, briefly spoke to Leeta on her shift, and headed back to his quarters. He wasn't looking forward to his promised task, gathering Garak's things and boxing them for delivery. When he arrived, he first tackled the box that Garak had delivered to him.
It felt odd, each item of clothing carrying its own story, its own memories, this tunic the one he wore the first time they played kotra together, that pair of socks ones Garak had surprised him with “just because”. Most of the clothing had been given to him by the tailor over time to help him overcome what Garak called his abysmal lack of fashion sense. At the time, he thought it sweet, but now he wondered. Was it just another symptom of the Cardassian's need to control and order everything in his environment? Was it loving attention or obsessive domineering? Was there a difference when it came to Garak?
He sighed. None of that mattered anymore. They were now trying for friendship, both of them having moved on to new partners to meet their romantic needs. Perhaps when he became closer to Leeta, these unresolved feelings he had for Garak would fade, and he'd be able to interact with him with appropriate motives. Once he had the box unpacked, he quickly put away his things and started on the harder task, separating Garak's spare clothing from his in the wardrobe and his dresser.
This clothing held memory also, and faint traces of Garak's scent, so different from his own and yet never unpleasant to him. He stopped short of lifting one of the tunics to his face. It would be inappropriate now, and it would call up feelings best left buried. His door chime jolted him from those thoughts, and his heart fluttered. “Who's there?” he called through the comm.
“It's Leeta,” came the reply.
Of course it is, he thought, feeling stupid for letting his imagination run away with him. Garak had no reason to visit his private quarters now and wouldn't have come just because he was thinking of him in that moment. “Enter,” he said. When he heard the door open, he called to her, “I'm in the back.”
She paused in the bedroom doorway, still dressed in her dabo girl outfit and looking tired. “I'm sorry for dropping by unannounced,” she said. “I'm just feeling a little nervous about the ritual, and...” She trailed off when she saw the garment in his hands, her look an understanding one. “Is this a bad time?”
“No,” he said, carefully folding the tunic and adding it to the pile in the box. “Actually, it's a really good time. This was long overdue.”
She approached and slipped her arms around him from behind, briefly resting her cheek at his back. “Maybe you should talk to him,” she said. “I know you miss him.”
“Actually, I talked to him today. He returned my things this morning. I caught up with him at his shop, and...” he glanced over his shoulder, “we've decided to start having lunch again.” He held his breath, waiting for a negative reaction that didn't come.
Instead, she turned him around and tipped her head back, her arms in an easy circle around his waist. “I think that's wonderful,” she said.
“Y...you do?” he asked, putting his arms around her, too, and enjoying the soft warmth of her against him.
“I do,” she said, nodding. “You've known each other for years and been close most of that time. It would be a shame if you couldn't stay friends just because being lovers didn't work for you. Good friends are hard to find and should never be set aside lightly.”
“I'm...a little surprised to hear you say that,” he confessed.
“Why, because he's your ex, or because he's a Cardassian?” She made a soft sound of impatience and shook her head. “You don't know me that well yet, so I can forgive you for either assumption, but that's not me.”
He felt himself relaxing, the knot inside beginning to unwind. He pulled her closer yet and brushed his lips across her forehead. “I want to know you better,” he said softly.
“And you will,” she replied, popping up to tip toes to kiss him lightly on the nose.
Realizing from that gesture that she wasn't there for intimacy, he remembered what she said when she first came in before he hijacked the conversation about his own issues. “The ritual,” he said, pulling back and making room for her to sit on the bed while he worked. “What has you nervous about it?”
“I suppose it's just the idea that I'll be sharing my head with somebody else, a real, whole consciousness. I know Dax said we can reassert ourselves at any time, but isn't that scary? Once it's over, we'll have memories of these people, and they'll have memories of us. It will be preserved for as long as the Dax symbiont lives. It's a lot to take in,” she said, drawing one leg up and tucking her foot beneath her.
“It is,” he said, suddenly concerned. What if the consciousness he embodied discovered his secret? When it returned to Dax, she would then know it. He struggled to hide the depths of his unease in case Leeta picked up on it. “I'm most worried about Com—Captain Sisko,” he added. It was going to take him a little time to get used to addressing the Captain by his new rank. “He's embodying a dangerous host, one who murdered a doctor on Trill.”
“The Captain is a strong man,” she said. “He can handle it.”
They fell into companionable silence while he finished ferreting out Garak's belongings and packing them. The box was emptier than when it arrived. He had left far more things at Garak's place than Garak had ever left at his. He tried not to view it as a metaphor of the relationship and almost succeeded. “That's it, then,” he said, closing it snugly. “I'll take this by his shop in the morning, and that will be that.”
She gave him a wry half smile. “Who are you trying to convince of that, yourself or me?”
“What?” he asked, surprised at her insight. Maybe she wasn't as uncomplicated as he thought she was.
“You Terrans are an interesting lot,” she said. “You'd cope better with things if you hadn't thrown away so many of your rituals.” She smiled at him. “I know. You think we Bajorans are bound by superstition and would be better off if we accepted your gospel of science. Don't even try to deny it, because I've seen how linear your thinking is.”
“I'd never go so far as to accuse you of being superstitious...” he said a bit defensively.
“Ritual isn't just about appeasing some outer force. It speaks to the depths of the psyche. It allows you to absorb beginnings and losses. It provides closure. When a significant Bajoran relationship ends, we have a ritual of closure. We take time out to celebrate all of the things that brought us together. We remember the good times, honor what we've learned, and part as friends. It's quite healing,” she said.
He couldn't help it. He had to laugh. As she pressed her lips thin, he held up a hand to forestall the negative reaction. “I'm sorry,” he said. “I'm not laughing at that. It's just the idea of trying to get Garak to participate in such a thing. I can picture exactly the look on his face and hear what he'd say.” He did his best approximation of the tailor, which truly wasn't terrible all things considered. “'My dear Doctor, have you lost your mind?'”
Her annoyed expression eased back to a slight smile. “Even if he won't participate, it doesn't mean you can't do something for yourself. It might surprise you.”
“I wouldn't have the faintest idea of how to construct some parting ritual for our breakup,” he said.
“Lucky for you, someone you know is very interested in sociology,” she said coyly, “and even has several books and studies on rituals from all sorts of cultures. If you ask her very nicely, she might lend you one or two of them.”
“How nicely?” he asked, smiling and reaching his hands down to her.
She slipped hers into his and allowed him to draw her to her feet. “How nice can you be?” she asked playfully, her lips mere centimeters from his.
“Very...” he said, leaning in to brush a kiss, “very...” followed by another, “nice.” He kissed her more deeply, enjoying the soft, fullness of her mouth.
After a little while, she drew back, plying her fingers through the curls at the nape of his neck. “No,” she said, mischief dancing in her deep brown eyes.
“No?” he asked, eyes wide.
“You didn't say please,” she said with a laugh.
“Well, by all means, please,” he said, suddenly moving to tickle her until both of them were laughing breathlessly.
“OK! OK!” she shrieked, “You win! I'll get them to you tomorrow!” He relented, still smiling when she stepped away from him and tried to comport herself. “I should probably get going,” she said. “The ritual will be starting early, and I want to be well rested.”
He nodded, moving to walk her to the door. “I'll see you there, and really, try not to worry. These rituals have been going on for a very long time. I imagine if they were particularly dangerous or unpleasant, we'd have heard about it.”
She eyed him a little strangely and curved a smile. “I'm sure you're an amazing doctor,” she said, granting him a final sweet kiss, “but you have a lot to learn when it comes to sociology. Good night!” With that, she left him there to his own thoughts and a somewhat improved mood.